"So, Uh, What Now?"

I was conversing with a friend online today, she's on exchange in China and she was talking about how much she loves living in another country and how she thinks everyone should do it. At that point it hit me - not everyone has been dragged all over the globe by their self-involved father. Not everyone has moved from continent to continent, leaving everything behind.

It was strange growing up that way. Having to rebuild all those connections, refamiliarising yourself with the new social order. Where do you go for this and what do you think of that? It's really hard to find yourself while growing up. It's even harder trying to do it over and over again. I feel like I had a hundred different childhoods where I was a hundred different children. I can never relate when people say that they've been this or that their whole lives. The only common denominator in the skin I chose for myself was that I always liked to go against the grain.

Now here I am. Stuck in this familiar place. Stuck with these familiar people. Stuck doing these familiar things. Everything is pretty much constant, with a few rare exceptions, and all I can think is:

"So, uh, what now?"

Isn't something supposed to go wrong? Aren't I supposed to just up and leave? Is this stuff supposed to last? Do you mean I actually have to finish what I started? I'm not going to be saved? What do you mean 'I've made my choices'? I didn't know. How was I supposed to know that this time it was for real? That this time the choices I made would actually stay with me. That this time it wasn't all going to blow up in my face.

Maybe it will. Maybe it won't. I don't know. All I know that I'm getting antsy. I'm just waiting for something to go wrong, for someone to leave, to be forced to leave someone. It wouldn't be a stretch to assume that the anticipation of something going wrong is contributing to my inability to take anything seriously. It can all be made totally irrelevant in the matter of minutes.

Life is relative.