Insane

"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results"
- Albert Einstein

I don't know how many times we're going to talk about this. Talk about how nothing fucking works. How I'm looking for something. I don't even know what the fuck I'm looking for anymore. Just something - I'll know it when I see it - will I really? I'm starting to realise that life isn't about the goal, it never was. It's about what the fuck you'll do to get it. I know that seems pretty basic knowledge but there's a difference in being aware and then actually knowing. Do you know what the most depressing thing in life is? We've already talked about this but there's been an advancement in my thoughts. You know when you have that thing that you thought would make you happy and it doesn't? Well maybe it's because in your hypothetical you weren't you. It wasn't the presence of that thing in your life that made you want to achieve your goal but the glorified vision of yourself in that hypothetical. That'll never happen. You'll never change to that glorified person, to yourself, that is. The rest of the world is easily fooled and some of us are foolish enough to believe what the world thinks of us is actually us. If you are one of those people I don't expect you to relate to any of this. But the rest of us, the ones who know ourselves from the inside and don't have the privelege of knowing our external selves, we will have issues.

I can't get this shit out of my head. Shallowness bothers me nowadays but what bothers me more is that I envy those it doesn't bother. I drink in order to kill the thoughts that would render me a social cripple and sometimes when that doesn't work I'll duck outside and smoke weed too. It used to work, I'm not so lucky anymore. I've successfully surrounded myself with the type of people I always thought I wanted to be surrounded with - hard partying lesbians - and all of a sudden I'm tired. I tell myself I go out because I want to have fun, because I like meeting people and let's face it, to participate in the pissing contest of headfuckery and Melrose Place style high school shit that the scene really is. I drink more and more because I think it'll make me feel better, talk more, be funnier until it gets to the point where I need to go home and sleep in order to stop myself from drinking anymore. Nothing ever comes of it yet I do it again and again.

Maybe it'd be easier to just embrace unhappiness.

Rapture Of The Deep

Guess what I did this weekend guys? I spent Saturday and Sunday scuba diving in Jervis Bay. I did all the speciality units I needed for an advanced certification. Remember how I said I wanted to work in diving? Well, I haven't given up. Some goals are worth sticking to. Want to know what modules I did? Well, I'm going to tell you anyway: Peak Performance Buoyancy, Underwater Naturalist, Boat, Deep, Underwater Navigation and Wreck. My favourites would have to be the Deep, because I suspect I got narced at 31 metres and Underwater Navigation plainly because I thought I was going to get lost for sure but it turned out to be pretty sweet. Also, I got the fright of a lifetime when I was hovering 4 inches over the sand when all of a sudden a sting ray shot out from under the sand into my face and swam off at the speed of light. I didn't see much interesting marine life unless you count that psycho sting ray, giant grouper, giant catfish and swimming anemone as interesting but the steep drop offs and slot caves we swam through were fucking brilliant.


This is the wreck of the Firefly, it crashed due to an in air collision in the 1950s. Last dive of the trip. I didn't take the photo, howevs.

Diving is pretty freakin' sweet. I don't get why everyone doesn't do it. That being said, I'm pretty glad they don't. Too many divers scare the marine life. On Saturday after the first dive I was taking my gear off on the boat when the boats speakers started blaring Tegan & Sara. It was more perfect than perfect could ever hope to be. I had the ocean right then...

[In case you were curious, the trip was organised by Abyss. I do all my Sydney diving and dive training with them, they're ace]

Simple Truth

I have so many bruises. So many bruises. I counted. I have eleven bruises. Twelve counting my purple, swollen pinky finger. Every single bruise I have. Every single bruise I have because I drink. I have these bruises because I drink too much. When I drink lately. Whenever I am drunk. Whenever I am four drinks past tipsy, I start jumping around. This NYE. After the clock had struck twelve. Well past the last hour in 2008, I was a staggering drunk. I fell everywhere. I was sleeping in a booth. Asleep in a booth when I saw a flash - facebook moment. The photo will be on facebook. We'll laugh about it on facebook. We'll laugh about a lot of things. They'll laugh and I'll shrug. Shrug like shrugging is cool - "That's me. In the photo. Shucks." - the other day while under the influence. Alcohol and substances. Substances and alcohol. I thought it was a wise idea. The best idea ever. To just run. Run really fast. You can run with the wind. Run. I ran fast - I wanted that taxi - but more than that I wanted to just run. I ran toward two poles. I was outrunning the bitch trying to race me for the taxi. Outrunning everyone in my life. Then I felt it. It came out of nowhere. I had crashed into something. But what? A chain of course. A chain, linked between the two poles I was aiming to run in between. A funniest home video moment for reals. A torn ligament and chain shaped bruise across my right hip bone will heal. It all heals. Healing comes naturally to us. Unless we don't want it to heal. Healing? Why should I erase it all let anything heal? You know what the scariest part of life is? The truly, mortifying fact of life that scares the fuck out of me? It's that simple truth. When we're hurting we tell our things we need to work towards certain goals, obtain certain possessions. If we make it here. If we get this. If we go there. It will all work itself out. The truth that freaks the fuck out of me, however, is that it's not true. Those things you work towards. The things you occupy your mind with. It's all a distraction. The sad, simple truth is that we have no control. They have no control. I have no control. The reality is that life is just one big clusterfuck of reactions. The first action was set in motion long before any of us strung a sentence together. Before we even spoke, the first action had already been acted out. Long before. We are just reactions. Our births, our lives and our deaths. Reactions.

A Tardy Response: Six Unspectacular Quirks

I was tagged with this approximately three months ago. Unfortunately for everyone the tagging coincided with a time where I resented my life and consequently wasn't very comfortable delving into any part of it to vomit it all out on this here blog and then have everyone read what I couldn't even stand to live with. Sounds fabulous, no? But I did promise Monica that I wouldn't forget and do it ASAP. Lo and behold, someone told me three months is a synonym for ASAP so here I go. The rules are as such:

1. Link the person who tagged you.
2. Mention the rules on your blog.
3. Tell about 6 unspectacular quirks of yours.
4. Tag 6 following bloggers by linking them.
5. Leave a comment on each of the tagged blogger’s blogs letting them know they've been tagged.

Steps 1 and 2: done and done

My Six Unspectacular Quirks

Paper or Plastic?

Does anyone remember the days when they asked that? I don't. Maybe they asked me that a couple of times when I lived in the US but never in Australia while I was growing up. Seeing as I am The Queen Bee of retail you can trust me when I say "would you like a bag with that?" is the hot new retail question. Gone are the days where we trusted you to make the right choice between bags. Say hello to the era in which we ever so politely nudge you to make the right fucking decision for the planet, you loon, so say NO to bags! I hate nothing more than when a customer is holding an assortment of bags - plastic, paper, re-usable - and still says yes (!!!!) WHY?? Why do you want yet another bag just for this TINY ornament that I have already secured in tissue paper AND bubble wrap for you? Tell me why you wasteful son of a bitch. Don't get me wrong, I'm not an eco terrorist or anything, I just think that if you already have a few bags with, you don't need yet another one. Capiche? Go green.

I'm naive

In the sense that sometimes I forget that people don't yet know that I never really have bad intentions or get caught up in anything so when people talk to me about something that's bothering them/going on in their exciting lives and then end the conversation with "don't tell anyone this, btw" I'm sort of taken aback. So many things run through my mind, like "why the hell would I?", "who the fuck do you think I am? Gossip Girl?", "why would you have this convo with me if you need a disclaimer" but mainly I just experience sadness for the human race. It's sad that people feel like they need to add these disclaimers to a mundane conversation. Where is the trust? Right here.

Non-judgmental

I totally am. Or better yet: I strive to be. I get that it's natural for us as humans to make snap judgments. We're all guilty of it at one point or another. Sometimes it's these judgments that save us from painstakingly boring conversations or even a potentially dangerous situation with a loon. Howevs, I try to never let any of that shit get in the way of how I think. Even though there are people out there that I would never agree with in a million years, I just can't waste my time passing judgment. Everyone has a reason. Until we learn to stop caring about what other people care about, we're never going to get far.

Waterworks

That's my teenage brother's nickname for me because at times I cry at the drop of a hat and by "at times" I mean when I'm PMSing. It's quite funny actually because it's not like a cry that's the result of anything that's happened to me but rather a cry for others and it's not like a waaa waaa kind of cry but rather a quiet tearing session. Crying may not seem so funny to you but if you knew me and the tough persona I try to maintain, you'd know why the people that love me think it's hilarious. Instances include but are not limited to:

*Witnessing maimed Thai mothers and their children begging on the streets
*Watching Nirvana's With The Lights Out DVD
*After seeing an advertising poster in a toilet cubicle with an old lady expressing her fear of telling her family about her depression because she's afraid of being looked at as a burden

And most recently,

*While watching "CNN Presents: Scream Bloody Murder"

So if I'm PMSing and it's sad, you can bet your life savings that I am going to cry about it.


Can we buy this stuff by the litre?

I know I've mentioned this before but I just have to throw it in again:

I am addicted to Tabasco sauce


Sometimes it hurts and sometimes it doesn't even sting but it's always good. I don't even know what I like better, the pain or the taste. What I do know is that going for the bottle of Tabasco is so second nature to me that I accidentally added it to my oats yesterday instead of honey. Not the best idea.

It's like learning and entertainment all in one

I LOVE DOCUMENTARIES! I am a documentary nerd! Namely, anything to do with the underwater world. This goes hand in hand with my unnatural love for scuba diving. I would take a David Attenborough narrated look at aquatic vertebrate over anything prime time TV can throw at me. I wrangle and manipulate with the people in personnel to swap my shifts into the electrical department because they play David Attenborough's "Planet Earth" series all day long. It's like being paid to be in heaven.

So now that you know six more uninteresting things about me, I have to tag six of you. I don't know many bloggers so my victims are limited to people who blog and also follow me/I follow on twitter. That means Crystal, Riese and Rachel. Hope you can beat my three months!!